Making a Commitment

 

e moved to Michigan during my freshman year of high school. Nothing changed much on the religious front until my junior year. A friend had invited me to his Baptist church and, having known that I should probably be going to church, I obliged to join him. I first made him promise there would be no droning prayers and boring hymns, but I attended with high hopes at his assurance. The church sported a praise band with guitars and drums which reminded me a lot of my grandparents’ church. I considered what my faith meant to me while I listened with a fresh set of ears. The preaching provided brand new information to run through the cognitive powers of my data-parsing brain. I began to identify with Christianity more at this time but it had not yet changed much of my life since this church was less than informative about the practical use of the faith. I found such inapplicability to be the case with many churches that I visited.

             As I began to take my faith more seriously, my girlfriend and I also began engaging in closer encounters. Being great at reasoning, I considered my actions to be lawful, which they certainly were, and thus probably fine in the eyes of God. Seeing as I was not performing these actions without consent nor with someone married to another, I could not perceive why it should be considered wrong. At a practical level, however, this seemed of little importance since I knew my parents would not approve and the thought of God’s potential disapproval troubled me even more. This thought caused great anxiety within me coupled with a constant feeling of guilt which kicked off the beginning of my true spiritual journey.

             In hopes of justifying my bodily explorations, I began to read the Bible to see if my logic could perhaps withstand scrutiny in the eyes of God. I sought real answers for the first time. Would God consider it adultery if neither person is married? One clearly cannot cheat on a spouse that one does not have and maybe adultery only meant cheating. Knowing that the New Testament was more applicable for today, I turned to Matthew 1 and hoped to read until I had obtained my answer. It did not take long before I gasped in a stupefied horror at what I read which changed my life forever.

In the seventh chapter of Matthew, Jesus spoke words which I had not heard recited in any church that I had ever attended even up until today. The words burned in my memory and still remain there to this day. Starting at the twenty-first verse, Jesus had said that not everyone who calls him their Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven. That alone starkly contrasted anything I had ever heard regarding God and heaven. He continued to say that only those that do the will of God will enter. At this point, I became much more interested in learning what God actually wanted. He continued again and said that many will come to him and proclaim that they called him Lord, that they did miracles in his name, and even cast out demons, but that Jesus would respond that he never knew them because they continued on in sin. Apparently even miracle-workers spouting the name of Jesus would be denied entrance into the pearly gates for committing sins and ignoring God’s will. And here I was just some random kid living life without aim and fooling around with my hormonal desires!

             Evidently, I had been sold a fake fire insurance card; the future flames of hell still endangered my eternal soul! I had asked Jesus into my heart and yet here it turns out that such measly words were not enough. I had called him my Lord but then had no idea what more I ought to do. I daily ignored the very will of God. And now, as it turned out, I was destined not to enter the kingdom of heaven, but rather to enjoy the eternal flames of torment. Needless to say, it astonished me, it perplexed me, and it scared the living crap out of me. Why had no one told me this before when clearly this is foundationally important? I decided then that I would do the will of God—I simply needed to figure out what that will was and I certainly knew that “not sinning” would be a significant part of it. I decided I would read the Bible, figure out God’s will, and do it, by golly. And on top of that, I would warn the world so that they would not be as blind-sided as I.

Again, it never occurred to me that the Bible did not adequately speak for God and I thought that everyone knew the Bible spoke pure and unadultered truth. I reasoned that perhaps they did not know what it actually said just as I had not. I certainly did not want them to learn of these things once Jesus returned in judgement. This moment is the one I recognize now as my true conversion to Christianity. I prayed for forgiveness in full repentance that night, and I made a promise to the man in the clouds. I truly understood then what it meant to ask Jesus into my heart and to guide and direct my paths into the glory of doing God’s will. I decided I would not be one of the multitudes duped by sin and thus denied entrance into heaven. I would be a true follower of Jesus and he would know me when I came knocking.

             I became rather zealous for leading a good and sinless life. I made sure to obey all laws even including speed limits albeit with much pain and frustration over whether or not it truly mattered. I listened solely to Christian music from that point on. In full concern for others, I witnessed to people every chance I got before I had even read of the great commission. I put an ichthus fish on my Ford Ranger pickup truck, wore a cross around my neck, adorned myself with Christian apparel, and fully embraced the image of a Christian.

At school I began warning all my friends that they were destined for hell if they did not actually follow God’s will. Oddly enough, all two of them did not like hearing such judgements and I quickly found myself a tad more friendless than usual. I was unashamed, un-wavering, outspoken and quite enthusiastic while rocking out to “What About the Change” by Steven Curtis Chapman and weeping at “I Wish We’d All Been Ready” by DC Talk. I had a mission and it felt amazing to be a part of something bigger than myself.  I finally knew the transformative power of a living God. I felt incredible.

             Studying the Bible on my own and learning the many ways that religious leaders had failed in the past, I had little trouble in believing that I had already found truths that perhaps the current religious leaders did not know. After all, they never seemed to preach these words of Jesus which stated that we must do the will of God to enter the kingdom. Even if they disagreed with my interpretation, it is quite possible that they were simply wrong themselves. Knowing the Bible as truth, I took it at its word and this led me quite quickly to believe that I had gained greater knowledge than most Christians. I came to learn that most Christians knew very little of their faith and had very little knowledge of the scripture.

             Nobody seemed to know that Jesus wanted us to be good and do rightly even though he spoke about it extensively. He said that few people would find the way and that many would not. He expressed that Christians would be denied heaven for their evil behavior. It only made sense, then, that many Christians were wrong since many would be denied and only few would gain entrance. Thus, I was not prepared to back down. I would stand my ground like the martyrs before me and I would fight for the truth Jesus spoke. And since my opinions were not merely my own but the authoritative word of God Almighty, I donned the t-shirt of a radical proclaiming “Hardcore Christian” and I pressed forward with my head held high. I stood tall despite my shorter stature as one of the few and the persecuted. I would not be silenced. I would not go quietly into the night. I would take the charge and lead the world into the righteousness of God!

             One particular person whom I had told would go to hell if she did not obey God, discussed our conversation quite unhappily with her older sister who happened to attend Community Bible Chapel—the very church my parents recently started attending. It did not take long to get called into Pastor Lonnie’s office so he could rebuke me for my behavior. He told me that I offended people with the message I preached and that God offered grace without “works” as he called them.

I showed Lonnie the verses I had found but he refrained from showing as much enthusiasm as I. The quote from Jesus did not convince him of my understanding and he instead responded by showing me some other words of Jesus from John 6:29 stating that the will of God was to believe in the one whom he had sent. It is too bad that the book could not have been more specific as to what believing in Jesus truly meant. I understood believing in Jesus to mean that we trust his words and his teachings including the verses I had just mentioned. He understood that we trust in Jesus to forgive us for our sins because he died a tormentous death on a cross. But is that not exactly what the people saying “Lord, Lord” were? People who simply trusted they would be given entrance while continuing to sin in their daily lives?

             Romans 12:1-2 seemed to indicate that God’s will could not be so easily stated and that we needed to seek it out in order to understand and determine it. And we could only do that via living sacrificially for righteousness while being dead to sin. Believing in Jesus could only be the tip of the iceberg:

 

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 

I also found it logically inconsistent that we must obey Jesus’ teaching if such teaching was simply “to believe.” Jesus is recorded in John 14:23-24 as saying that we know who truly loves him based upon whether or not they follow his teaching. But how are we supposed to know if someone is following the teaching to believe? If someone claims to love Jesus, are we at all capable of determining whether or not he really does love him by reading his mind? By which means can we determine if he truly believes and is not merely faking it? It makes no logical sense to believe that the will of God is to merely believe in Jesus and to use that as a means of filtering out false teachers who claim to follow Jesus but do not.

             It left me confused and frustrated that a pastor of all people should want to silence me in reiterating the words of Jesus. I could not understand how he could simply ignore the verses I had found while picking and choosing a different set of words out of context of the first. Why did he not immediately agree with the very word of God that I shared with him? I so desperately wanted to make sure that I was not being foolish, arrogant, or proud by ignoring the correction of a pastor, though. That would clearly be sinful and I tried my best to be good. Pastors are supposed to be anointed by God to teach so fighting against them could be as dangerous as fighting against God himself. I could not understand his position, however, since I saw his perspective as using one set of words to trump another (or many others for that matter) rather than making them work together. For me, the meanings would certainly have to harmonize with the other verses if the Bible is to be authoritative and true.

             The idea of grace alone did not seem to work with the simultaneous requirement of obedience found in the Bible. It would have to be obedience and grace together. If we are all saved by grace as a gift and without obedience, then I could not resolve what Jesus meant when proclaiming that Christians would be denied entrance into heaven for lacking that obedience. I determined that it must be that God is willing to forgive so long as we strive for obedience. His words requiring this obedience could not be overturned by any logical reasoning in my mind. I continued to give it much thought but found no two ways about it. It is no less grace just because that grace is a reward for a requested behavior. If someone offered me a million dollars if I would simply raise my arm, I would not expect that I got what I deserved for raising my arm—it would still be generous, it would still be grace given to me, and I would still not deserve it for my response. I would not receive it if I did not raise my arm and I would indeed be rewarded, albeit not deservingly, if I did. That is how grace and obedience complement one another.

             At this time, I focused my entire faith on obedience to the Bible as opposed to the concept of righteousness that I would later learn. There is a distinct line between the two in that obedience on its own is much like following a law like the Pharisees did, while righteousness is more akin to determining for oneself what is right given all relevant and known information. In focusing on obedience, I found myself becoming what many people consider to be a Bible-Thumper: someone who continually uses the Bible to tell another of the wrong they are doing. Seeking after one’s own righteousness would not yield this same behavior. Many verses in the Bible emphasize obedience, however, which you can see for yourself in the “Scriptures” section of this book. It is a matter of obedience to righteousness which is key.

             Despite this confrontation with Pastor Lonnie, our relationship was not permanently soured. I ended up participating more with Community Bible Chapel after our escapade and helping out with Vacation Bible School. I enjoyed participating in the same church as my parents even if I found it old and dry. Pastor Lonnie later baptized me and even supported me going on a summer project in Virginia Beach and a spring break project in Mexico.

             The baptism meant a lot to me. I looked forward to it with heart-felt anticipation. The thought of mimicking the Biblical heroes before me and to officially state my allegiance to Jesus in such a public display thrilled me. I could not wait to demonstrate my faith personally via baptism. I thought about Jesus and how a dove descended upon him and God spoke aloud as John baptized him. I hoped beyond hope that my zeal and desire to preach his message anew with a proper focus on obedience would give me a similar acknowledgement by God, “This is Sean; with him I am well pleased.” I hoped for him to speak, or that I might feel his presence. I hoped to be filled with the Spirit of God or to suddenly have my prayers be more effective. I saw my baptism as the last thing remaining between me and my commitment to God.

As I stood there in the water, my excitement welled up within me. I remained composed on the outside while jumping around in my mind like a giddy child hoping for some miraculous event to occur. I went down, and up, and awaited something more to happen. The only thing it proved to do, however was to saturate my clothing with water and to illicit a few claps from those watching. The anticipated drama had not unfolded as I had hoped, but I sucked it up and focused on the enjoyment of putting the appropriate checkmark on the list of Christian activities to perform. I could officially be deemed baptized in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

             I continued witnessing regarding obedience even at McDonald’s where I worked. I tried to be a little more toned down, however, especially with regard to the threat of hell. I would mention what God wanted and I would explain the cost of disobedience, but I allowed people to put two and two together whether or not this indicated that they in particular were in line for heaven or hell. At seventeen, my boss promoted me to management due to my strong work ethic and zeal to do my best as an example for God. I could not legally climb a ladder since I was a mere minor, but I could now command others who were old enough to be by grandparents.

As a manager, I wore a tie with an ichthus on both it and my tie clip and I made sure that I told everyone to have a blessed day instead of a good one. I wanted everyone to know that I was an unashamed fanatic and that they could come to me if ever they needed spiritual guidance. Some people began calling me Pastor Sean at work. I took it endearingly although I am not sure now if it had been meant as a sarcastic joke.

             For my senior year book, I paid extra to have “Jesus Freak” engraved below my name on the cover. As I continue paying off my college loans today, I cannot help but wonder if I should have been more of a “Community Service Freak” or an “Education Freak” so that I could have obtained scholarships rather than loans. There apparently existed no First Bank of Christ doling out tuition for the faithful. The lack of scholarships did not deter me, of course, and I simply expected everything to turn out alright. I applied only to Michigan Technological University expecting both acceptance and financial capacity one way or another. While God did not provide directly throughout college, I took what I could get: a multitude of loans. I could still see this as having received a provision from God since it did manage to pay for all of my college tuition, books, fees, and even a personal computer. If anything, God merely used this lack of funding to test my faith and further garner better character from me.

             I did experience what I considered to be an example of God’s miraculous provisioning just prior to college, however, so I knew that God could indeed provide. My first year working at McDonald’s did not yield enough income to be taxed. In light of this, the IRS refunded all my taxes for that year. Thinking the same would occur the following year, I claimed myself exempt and paid no taxes at all. It turned out that I came $600 short come tax time which is quite a bit for someone making nearly minimum wage at only $5.75 an hour.

I arranged payments for the $300 I owed to the Federal government, but I could not find such provisions in any documentation for the state government which made me fear that I might go to jail if I did not pay by the due date. Oddly enough, however, my dad handed me the $300 I needed as he informed me that his father had just happened to win some large amount of money while gambling and decided to send exactly that amount to share with him who then shared it with me. I praised God as I considered that this could not possibly be coincidence and it strengthened my belief that God provides even if only an exact amount and only when absolutely necessary to avoid imprisonment. It would have been nice if he had simply told me not to claim exempt, of course, which could have been more miraculous than paying the $300, but even Paul found himself in jail from time to time with no intervention from God so this struck me as quite the blessing.

Despite a lack of college funds, I prepared to saunter my way to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to trudge through snow and textbooks alike while growing even more educated and passionate in my love for God.