Churchification

 

aving reconverted, I needed to find a way to rationalize all that I had previously learned which now contradict my refound faith. I believed I finally had proof that God existed via the coincidence of my wife’s return to me, but it did not explain all the problems with the world and the many failures I encountered while following God’s will. This took some creativity on my part. I had to imagine and trust that God knew exactly how to make it all okay even though it did not seem okay from my perspective. I used a common Christian metaphor to ease my mind that I could only see the messy bottom of a cross-stitch design as I looked up while God could see the beautiful picture from above as he looked down.

Even though people were horrendously evil, selling children into sex slavery, pouring acid into their eyes, oppressing the poor, lashing infidels with whips, oppressing women, shooting girls in the head for studying, mutilating genitals of both boys and girls, and so on, God had something up his sleeve to make it all okay and I would simply have to trust this. There are many possible resolutions such as me being in a simulated world where the most terrible things are not real. Maybe the terrible things occur to robots of a sort, holograms, children of Satan, or something else. Maybe those experiencing pain had no souls and were no different from a biological machine. Or maybe the news is all made up—I had never personally seen these things occur, after all, so it could all be fabrication for my benefit as I lived in some kind of TV show for the amusement of God or others like in the Truman Show.

             Oddly enough, the concept of circumcision strengthened my faith in God for a time. I simply could not fathom that mankind would be that creative and self-tormentous to derive something so ridiculous, embarrassing, and painful to their most prized private member of their bodies. What man would one day wake up and decide that they ought to nip off the foreskin? It did not make any sense. For me, it would most certainly require an act of God to convince me that I ought to do this. Without a threatening and booming voice, I am definitely not going anywhere near my genitals with a knife. This would undoubtedly have to come directly from the mouth of God.

Only later did I realize that the mutilation of female genitals existed as well and yet the Christian God had not ordained it. This, of course, put a wrench in the gears of my logic and it all grinded to a halt. Mankind seriously does come up with this crap. God could not have ordained both since they are opposing religious views and thus at least one of them is false. If mankind can come up with the one, then certainly it can come up with the other. And what else has mankind come up with? This line of questioning came much later, of course. At this point, I found circumcision a compelling argument for a creator simply because I underestimated the brutality and stupidity of mankind.

             I further concluded that God purposefully wished for things to make little sense. I poised myself to believe that the truth of the stories were to be taken on faith through experiencing God directly rather than via some kind of logic. It says so right in 1 Corinthians that the wisdom of mankind is foolish and yet I had been trying to use wisdom to make it all make sense. God never intended it to make sense. He wanted it to be about trusting and experiencing God as I had now done. God had proven himself true—not through logic, but through experience. The logical method is useless in the arena of God’s existence and it had to be thrown out the window.

Experience, I had decided, led us to know God by giving him a chance to prove himself circumstantially and personally. We did not need the logic or experiences of others. That certainly did not stop me from using logic to determine these ideas and to derive the desires of God from reading the Bible, but it enabled me to trust the Bible all the more for a time. I prayed to the God of the Bible and he came through—for sure, the Bible’s God is the real God.

             With my regained faith, I decided to do everything by the book this time. Not that I thought I went against the book to begin with, but I went against tradition and made a fool of myself. This time I would not go all crazy and think I knew better than all the other Christians. I would do what they did and just enjoy God while living my life with him just like everyone else did. My past failures must have been my own undoing and God wanted to show me just how terrible I had been. I decided to join a church and just belong as a kind and polite member. I would let the pastor advise me while considering myself a fool. I would listen and behave. No more crazy stuff.

I recognized that I now had a first-hand experience of what it meant to be an atheist. By living it, I realized how wrong we were to assume they truly believed in God and yet rejected him. I realized that they were not all defiant pricks although some certainly were. They were a mixed crowed just like the Christians and they truly believed what they claimed. I took it upon myself to write out an apology on behalf of all Christians for the way we treated atheists. I hoped they might find God through such kindness, honesty, and humility while simultaneously hoping to discourage other Christians from continuing on so rudely. I posted it to the Debating Christianity forum, but I did not get much of a response as it had been immediately transferred to the random ramblings category for lack of any substance of which to debate.

             After the dust settled and Emily and I were again living with each other in the house, we set out to find a church. Being so excited to again have purpose in God and to have my entire life restored to me, I embraced with open arms each and every church we walked into. Emily did just the opposite. Every week we tried a different church in hopes of finding one she could enjoy as well, but after our fifth try and with few local options remaining, I got impatient and decided to attend Calvary Community Church whether she liked it or not. She could keep trying other churches if she wanted, but I could wait no longer to find a home and get engaged. I figured she would feel right at home as soon as she got to know the people better.

             I immediately asked Pastor Mark (not to be confused with Pastor Mark from Lifespring) to mentor me. I also attended their Bible studies while engaging with all the people as best I could. I wanted to get back to playing in a praise band as well. I had unfortunately settled for a church that did not have a praise band at the moment, but the members had told me that they needed someone just like me to start one up to revitalize the church. Every Sunday morning the pews were filled with aged old men and women with only a few younger people and their kids. They needed to reach a younger audience and I thought perhaps I could help do just that. Pastor Mark invited us over to his pristine residence of which we were quite impressed, but this time I refrained from being judgmental about its extravagance despite it being paid for via our donations. Since I resolved myself to know nothing and to trust the pastor, it must have been well within God’s will.

             The honey-glows faded quickly as we started discussing Calvinism and the belief in predestination. Mark believed that God decided who went to heaven and hell and that it had nothing to do with our own choices. This may not have been a problem in and of itself, but he followed it up by saying that anyone who did not understand and believe this obvious fact, did not belong to the elect bound for heaven. This, of course, indicted me as a hell-bound heathen since I could not subscribe to Calvinism. I absolutely could not agree that an all loving God would condemn people to hell just because he felt like it with no personal shot at redemption. It had to be the choice of mankind to choose or reject or else what is the purpose of hell? What good is punishment for someone who had no choice in the matter? It would be like beating my children simply because they have blue eyes.

             I knew there were other churches which disagreed with his position and, since I did as well, it made sense to simply become a pawn of a different church. Some beliefs, such as free will, were non-negotiable for me, so I would find a church which agreed with my non-negotiables. As much as I wanted to be a mere follower, I had to recognize that there were innumerable churches with differing opinions about a variety of things. I had no way of distinguishing which one was right without basing it off my own understanding. Unfortunately that is exactly what I was trying to avoid this time around. How does one choose which “by the book” church to submit to when so many disagreed on such fundamental principles such as free will? Alas, I had to use my own brain to distinguish which church I could blindly follow, and it would certainly not be a Calvinist church.

             We decided to try out a mega church for the first time. I had always rejected them previously for being materialistic and accusing them of being all about money. I conceded that this could indeed be a pessimistic false accusation. Maybe they did well because God blessed them so much and not because they pandered to itching ears. We had to drive a little further out to get to Radiant Church, but we deemed it worth the drive after our very first visit. They had a massive building with very modern and hip architecture. The entrance had many glass doors surrounded by many glass windows. Walking inside, we saw a full-blown cafe to our right, the very long check-in line for children on the left, and an information booth straight ahead. A throng of people walked about everywhere filling much of the floor space with some twenty feet of air above. We looked around in awe at the bright disposition of everyone and everything.

             Reaching the front of the kid check-in line, we provided detailed information about our kids and were given bracelets and a number. If ever our number flashed in the corner of the projectors in the main sanctuary, we would know that one of our children needed our attention. No one would be permitted to take our children without our express approval and our wristbands would be verified to match the children with the parents. The security and safety of our kids within the environment gave us great peace about the place.

             The church had small groups of all kinds for discussing our faith, and we could take classes to learn more about God. Someone even taught Taekwondo free of charge as a service to the church. The place bounced with joy and excitement as music reverberated throughout the halls and people talked with one another as if they were truly joyful to be there.

             As we walked into the main sanctuary, we were blown away by professional concert lighting and a stage full of musicians and their instruments. People were jumping and singing and the intense booming of the bass throughout the room took place of my heartbeat. I felt power surging everywhere as my emotions were flooded by the sound waves and the thickness of God’s spirit within the air. Surely I had not given such churches enough consideration in the past. The Spirit of God overwhelmed me as if I could hug the air and embrace God himself. The music shouted the praises of God and slowly transitioned into more relaxing songs that relished God’s goodness. A young, hip-looking pastor, Pastor Lee, approached the stage and started praying before the hundreds of people in the congregation.

             Lee wore a designer graphic button-down shirt and a pair of shorts rather than a formal suit or business-casual outfit, and his hair was a slightly messy but neat-looking style one might see in an anime. He spoke fluidly, plainly, and matter-of-factly as he spoke about God’s love, willingness to forgive, and his desire to know each and every one of us personally. It did not matter where we had come from or what we had done, God was willing and ready with open arms to welcome us home. The message spoke deeply to me and cut me to the heart. The message touched me as tears started to form in my eyes and I considered the goodness of God for putting up with a sinner like me in my past rebellious years.

             After the service, I went up to Pastor Lee to thank him for his message. I explained how much I needed to hear that particular message today and how it touched me so deeply. His response rather shocked me as he looked blankly with an entire lack of enthusiasm. He nodded as he took a sip of water and blandly stated, “I’m glad to hear that.” He followed up by saying he wanted me to meet someone and immediately walked me over to the information booth. He informed those at the booth that I had just visited for the first time today, asked them to hook me up, and then just walked away.

             Wishing to think the best of the situation and not to jump to judgmental conclusions, I brushed it off and recognized that he must be rather busy given the extremely large congregation. I could hardly hold that against him. Who knows what he had to go attend to. I watched as he walked up to a rather tall man who I later learned was a pastor as well. They talked like good friends among themselves with no greater business to attend. Still, I tried to remain positive about the situation. The people at the information booth informed me of their website, and gave me a pamphlet of the different groups I could get involved with. They recommended that Emily and I attend the class for new members to the church as they handed us a gift bag with a Radiant Church mug.

             My sister, Alicia, had come to live with us around this time. Now that we were Christian again, we thought we could help her get on her feet by showing her the proper godly lifestyle which we were now so obviously well-equipped to demonstrate. Having gone through a lot of the depression and self-loathing that she also struggled with, I thought I could best help her out of her own slump. When she first went to Radiant Church, we both shared tears of joy as she felt all of her struggles melt away. She felt accepted and loved again just like I had on my first day. She felt belonging. We were both convinced that indeed God resided in this place. We came home excited and fulfilled by the power of God. It was, of course, too good to be true and the excitement wore off within a couple of weeks. We enjoyed the great emotional high, but it lacked any real power for a lasting change and the depression came right back.

             Emily and I both attended a small group that someone held at her home. We sat around a fire in lawn chairs in the driveway. We did not connect much with any of the people and they tended to speak only of boring worldly things. After a few tries, we determined it did not satisfy what we were looking for. We wanted more of an open study and discussion of faith rather than a mere fellowship for shooting the breeze. We longed for life-guiding advice and conversation and this group did not provide it.

             We later attended the class for new members led by Pastor Lee himself. He talked a lot about commitment to tithing and participating in the available groups. He also went through the history of the church and the miraculous story of how they came about the building. It reminded me of Pastor Patrick when he explained his own miraculous adventures in obtaining his church. I wondered if all churches had such a story.

Lee then went over a few of the main beliefs that the church held. One such belief regarded abortion and how they denounced it as sinful to kill babies. That is a pretty standard belief in most Christian churches—so is the concept that babies are immediately ushered into heaven upon death. I had never really given abortion nor the death of babies too much thought. Being the outspoken and critically thinking person I am, I half-jokingly asked the obvious question from the logical conclusion: why do we care to fight against abortion if all the babies get a free ride into heaven from it? Babies that were aborted were ushered into God’s presence without any of the pain and sufferings of life and without the potential for denying God. In fact, perhaps we should encourage abortion all the more to fill the gates of heaven.

             I expected perhaps a chuckle followed by a response that made some sense. I could already come up with a few ideas myself, but I wanted to be funny while prompting Lee to provide a response in case anyone in the room would come across a smart-aleck atheist asking the same question. Perhaps he would explain that it may be true that babies go straight to heaven, the obligation fell in our laps to stop evil. Perhaps he could have explained that we ought not to deny infants the opportunity to store treasures in heaven via their deeds on Earth. But he did not. He glared at me along with most everyone else in the room for my off-color remark. Emily felt quite embarrassed too, of course.

Despite the humorous and slightly helpful intent, I believed the question deserved an answer and a critical look. I would sooner think that God simply did not put souls in the babies to begin with since he would have the foreknowledge that they were to be aborted. In fact, miscarriages are in far more abundant supply than abortions with an estimated 70 to 75 percent of all fertilizations ending with miscarriage. Many fertilized eggs are rejected before attaching to the uterus and without the woman even knowing it happened. Thus, God himself clearly had no qualms with the concept of abortion as most of them must have been his own will. God, of course, has the right to take life as he sees fit so that still did not permit our own aborting ways.

             The pastor’s lack of response resonated his disinterest in me as a person. Is not a pastor’s main purpose to lead and guide the flock, to meet us wherever we are, and to direct us into the light of God? He should be uniquely involved with the lives of his flock and helping in whatever way he saw fit. A pastor needs to be in tune with the will of God and see how to direct each and every one of his sheep. But he appeared to have no interest in that. Thinking people and witty people were no laughing matter. They promoted disunity and questioning which is damaging to the business of a church. If people start thinking and questioning, they learned to stop paying for their feel-good social club. I eventually began seeing Pastor Lee as a businessman running his business rather than a man of God running a spiritual charity and guiding people. The church did not want me for my brain, but for my money alone.

             There were lots of things I could do within the church, but nothing that I could really contribute to in any meaningful way. I was entirely irrelevant as a person. I had actually attempted to audition for the praise band at one point, but I did not enjoy the business feel to it all. On top of that, they did not find my talents to be skillful enough to be on stage. This rubbed me the wrong way since skill should not be the only thing that matters when it comes to praising God and I was not entirely terrible even if not a pro. I did just fine in Crusade, after all, and God’s people are supposed to engage with the work rather than being entertained by those more skillful. Still, my mediocre talents might very well have killed the mood of the professional concert feel, I suppose.

             I continued attending Radiant for a while presuming that I just had a lot to learn. I should be more accepting, less judgmental, more following, less funny, and so on. As I listened each Sunday, however, I began to realize that the message quite often focused on feeling good. He kept talking about how God loved everyone, but he never talked about what this meant in how we lived our daily lives. He sometimes spoke of certain things as sins such as homosexuality and abortion, but the church was not filled with homosexuals that he could just preach them straight. It applied to very few individuals if anyone at all and it further reinforced an “us versus them” concept that we are good and holy while others are sinful and evil. We learned nothing, but it certainly made people feel better about themselves since they were not such people to have abortions or to lust after members of their own sex. As far as I could tell, the messages were designed merely for mass production and money-making as opposed to individual development. We could not really grow and receive the meat of the message at this church since we were all drowning in the milk of the message. We had a lot of fun, we enjoyed the people and the music, but ultimately we were looking for more than just fun. We wanted to learn and grow and to know God more.

             The Bible warned of such people in the last days who would go from place to place with ears itching to hear what made them happy. Of course, I often struggled with whether or not I did the same thing every time I disagreed with a church and went off to another one. I decided to err on the side of righteousness, however, since doing the right thing would likely be more pleasing in the eyes of an almighty and loving God. I would find a church that focused on doing right by others and not so much on one’s own self and merely feeling good and happy. Many Christians actually see this as being even worse, however, in that we are trying to earn the favor of God as if we are worth anything or could do anything of value. They see righteousness as living in the grace of God knowing that we can be nothing but sinful. It is indeed amazing what many viewpoints can be made from the same book.

             I began to give up on churches again. I still hoped to find a place to call home, but I realized that I would have to think critically about each and every one to see if I felt they aligned with the truth of God. I could not simply follow one as a lemming. God certainly would not approve such blindness when he simultaneously warned us of the wolves in sheep’s clothing and advised us to remain awake and alert. I would have to study and reason my own way through the faith—the one thing I absolutely did not want to do this time.