Unthreading

 

thought about my previously radical choices in life and I contemplated how this act of going house-less might differ from past failures and seemingly ill-informed choices. I decided that all the previous events in my life were merely for my own personal learning. God wanted me in all those unique places, not because they were good places or because I would succeed, but because he wanted me to see the corruption. He wanted to emphasize that the prophecies of the kingdom being compromised had come to pass. One such prophecy is the parable of the kingdom being like dough where someone took leaven and worked it all through the dough until the entire thing was puffed up.

Up until this point, I had seen the dough parable as a good thing like many other Christians before me. We believed the kingdom would grow and expand like the dough and God would rule the world. But now I understood it quite differently. Jesus warned of the leaven of the Pharisees in Matthew, Mark, and Luke. Leaven had never possessed a positive connotation anywhere within the Bible so why would it be good here? Being puffed up is never good either, which is why yeast was looked down upon as symbolic vanity. It also did not follow that the world should become more and more wicked until God destroyed us yet again while simultaneously proclaiming that the kingdom would expand in such a way as to take over. Those would be contradictory prophecies. No, this parable was definitely a prophecy of the fall of Christianity which went hand in hand with the fall of humanity.

             In 2 Thessalonians 2, Paul reported that a falling away had to take place prior to the return of Christ and he proclaimed that this falling away had already begun. In 2 Timothy 3, Paul prophesied that people would have a form of godliness yet deny its power. He could not have been talking about unbelievers since atheists would have no form of godliness at all. In 2 Peter 2, Peter warns of false prophets being all over and exclaiming that a dog returns to its vomit and a washed pig returns to the mud. The Bible made quite clear that the kingdom would fall away from the original message of Jesus. The message would become corrupt and it would revert to the original problem that the Pharisees had: it would proclaim that rituals and belief save a person and that deeds meant nothing. Further, it would utilize the fear of God to control the people for their monetary benefit. This is exactly what has happened.

             God brought me full circle to being the radical little Jesus freak I once was and he used all my failings in life to teach me valuable lessons. I could now relate to others in many ways and the experiences now fueled my flame all the more. I knew the frustrations of being obese, to have acne, to be disliked and ridiculed, to have marital struggles, to go to jail, to raise kids, to be depressed, to live under the lies of multiple doctrines of faith, to be angry, abused, and even abusive. I experienced first-hand all the corruption in the churches, being taken advantage of, having my money fund those wealthier than me, and grieving over the deformity of a child.

             I became more vocal at work about my faith and the corruption I saw, but I remained cautious and chose carefully to whom I spoke. When visitors would come from India, I would befriend them as much as possible and share my story with them. I wrote up all the miracles in my life and how God had saved my marriage. I bought them all New Testament Bibles written in Marathi and Hindi depending on their native tongue. I had hopes they would come to Christ and influence their country when they got back home. They enjoyed our time together outside work as I took them to local sights and restaurants. They seemingly did not think of me as pushy and even today some of them reach out every once in a while. They liked me and there is certainly no better way to help people see the light of one’s message than by being a good friend. Despite the friendship, I did not hear of any one of them coming to Christ.

             I began sharing my insights on the state of Christianity with the members of Threads while trying to become an integral part of it to gain credibility. I joined the praise band briefly and began practicing with them and learning some of their songs. I played along on my guitar and I tried to share some of my own favorite songs during any downtime. I got together with a few people on occasion and spoke about my ideas of what church should be like and just what would happen if it were.

             As with most of my past revelations, people did not like hearing that I thought the structure of church resulted as a byproduct of a corrupt organization that overrode the original intent of Jesus and suppressed the working of the Spirit of God as evidenced by their murder of anyone who disagreed. The hierarchy of priests came after Jesus had died and long after Pentecost. The only priests up until that point were considered children of the devil by Jesus himself. Jesus said that no one should be teacher and that we were all equal—he instantiated no hierarchy. Power-hungry men made the hierarchy later and then turned it into a governmental rule that began killing anyone who did not agree with their positions.

It should be fairly obvious that this new hierarchy did not exactly mimic the heart of Jesus. From this hierarchy which became known as Catholicism came the Protestants who basically ended up doing the exact same things. They had pastors, priests, buildings, communion etc. They followed the exact same format of Catholicism despite having recognized that the organization served the devil himself. They should have taken a further step back and realized that the structure should never have been made to begin with. God had never given the order for the hierarchy let alone the atrocities it committed in his name.

             Personally, I found such revelation to be exceedingly insightful and I believed that church leaders should welcome such critical thinking so that they could be all the more powerful and useful in pursuing the will of God. If truly they were seeking God and not only running a club or business of which they were the head, they would be all about discussing such things and determining how best to follow the will of God. Alas, this never seems to be the case. They shut out anything that they did not already agree with and without so much as considering the evidence. I discussed these ideas with members of the church rather than with Pastor Lee directly since I did not have as much experience with him and he seemed a little closed-off. So I tried setting up a time to discuss with Willis—one of the praise band leaders. I mentioned that I wanted to discuss important things about how church operated, but he would not commit to any particular time to discuss.

             I thought my enthusiasm to improve the church would be taken as a grand sign of initiative and faith. I am not sure how I could have remained so blind to the fact that no one ever sees such motivation from a new person as a good thing. They see it as infiltration and divisiveness. One day, Willis told me that he had set up a meeting with himself, Pastor Lee and me. I found it odd to immediately get Pastor Lee involved since I was hoping to speak first with Willis and then use the experience to fine-tune the message and how I presented it. Or, if Willis agreed with what I had to say, perhaps he could have taken it to Lee himself and would have had more weight in convincing him. Still, since Lee had already been informed and invited, I shrugged it off with delight to finally have the floor to discuss these things with both of them and I figured that God had his hand in it.

After a short period of time, however, a little voice in my head warned me that things were not quite right. I asked Willis directly if he intended the meeting to talk about what I wanted to share or if they wished to discuss things about me as a form of corrective action. He assured me they wanted nothing like that and that he only wished to hear what I had to say. He confidently asserted that he would most certainly tell me if it were otherwise. He failed to convince me and the uneasiness remained strong, but it did not appear I would get any more information out of him.

             I sent an email to Pastor Lee and Willis thanking them for their willingness to get together with me while providing a few links to things I had written which I felt explained my beliefs fairly well. I said that if they could read them before the meeting that it would really help the conversation flow a lot better so that they could have a full understanding of my position prior to discussing. No one responded to the email. The uneasiness grew. The date approached and I still heard nothing. Fearing that indeed this meeting would not be about my ideas as much as about me personally, I sent a follow-up email. I mentioned that I understood they were busy people and I assured them that they need not read the articles if they did not have the time. I offered that I could instead discuss the ideas at the meeting whether they read up on them or not. I still heard only crickets. Everything seemed cold and unfriendly and my uneasiness grew by the minute.

             When the day came, Willis did not even show up. Scott, an elder of the church, took his place of honor. Lee started off by applauding the wisdom behind my retracting the request that they read my blog posts. He explained that the initial request evidenced my desire to control the meeting as with so many other things I tried to control. Clearly, I had been lied to about the whole intent of the meeting and God had revealed it to me early on. I had no need to steal control when I had been expressly offered it. I merely behaved proactively to make the time most effective. It is called planning and is indicative of a good leader or teacher which should be applauded rather than scolded. He continued and said that he had not really read my writings, but he did glance at one and immediately became concerned with how I write.

In one article, I had indicated that all churches hinder the working of the Spirit and thus, Lee concluded, I must have felt this way about Threads as well. I indicated the accuracy of his conclusion without being particularly ashamed of it. From my perspective, I figured he would be interested to know why I would make such a statement since he had not read any further to actually gain such understanding. Unfortunately, keeping in line with past experiences, he showed no interest at all in why I would say such a thing; he simply cared that I had thought it to begin with and indicated that this would not be acceptable.

             Lee continued by expressing that I might have a different goal with how church is run and that perhaps I should start my own church rather than trying to take over his. At the time, this did not really hit home with me. I did not see any churches as belonging to any particular person but rather being an extension of God’s kingdom. Unless, of course, the church sought only personal gain rather than Godly growth. I saw the purpose of each of us as seeking and following God—not running an organization of which someone could own. I never desired to take it over, run the show, or lead anything; I only wanted to provide insight into do things as God had plainly commanded in the Bible—as should be their desire as well. Nobody owned church except God alone and he should be able to use it at his discretion. Lee would hear nothing of my understanding though. He said that perhaps I had a different vision and that this is the essence of di-vision with di meaning two: two visions. He saw me as divisive without so much as an inkling of desire to know what I truly believed God desired.

             I asked him about his own vision while pondering how it could possibly be different from mine. I had assumed the vision of all Christians should be to seek God’s Kingdom and to help it grow by loving God, loving others, and sharing our faith. I might have guessed that his response came directly out of a pyramid scheme book. His vision, in his own words, was to raise up leaders that would go out to plant more churches which would create even more leaders ad infinitum. Surprised, I asked, “So, it is not about helping people, loving people, and serving God?” He clarified this as his mission as opposed to his vision. This did not quite make sense to me. Our missions were thus the same and we should then use God’s vision to accomplish it—and if God’s vision is laid out in the Bible, why would we not follow it?

             Looking back as an atheist, I am more capable of understanding Lee’s position and how he might think that my intent was to run his church differently. For him, churches were run by mankind with their individual ideas on how best to spread the faith and, more likely, to bring in money. I could not have been more ignorant of such an idea of church. It never even crossed my mind that a legitimate church might be one person’s business or organization with their own unique visions and goals like some kind of company. We were all supposed to follow God and do as he directs with the gifts and capabilities he provides us. Some people were gifted at orchestrating the gathering of people, but they were never meant to rule over them or own them. I saw the role of a pastor as being a conduit for the rest of us to seek and find God and to live out his commands as we learned them. They were not meant to run anything but simply to provide insight and guidance for us to ponder. Apparently, not everyone saw it that way—particularly not Pastor Lee and most every pastor I knew before him.

Lee thought I was trying to force my way over his way rather than presuming that God might have his own way and that this should most certainly trump his own. Perhaps he did not really believe in a God who might have his own vision. Or perhaps he subconsciously knew that his God could not truly speak to provide a vision. If a person believes God is living and active, it should make sense that he would have a way of doing things that is good and proper and that any way of man would likely hinder that. We would merely need to listen and follow.

             Lee’s unwillingness to discuss the points I had shocked me considerably. He could only muster speaking ill of me for having points to make in the first place. He emphasized a number of times that I, being new to the church, could hardly proclaim to have any input. He further explained that he would have to learn to trust me before listening to my ideas. This astonished me all the more seeing as I could defend my position with the very word of God whom he most certainly ought to be willing to trust. On top of that, why does one need to trust a person in order to merely listen to what they have to say and contemplate the validity? I am personally willing to hear the ideas of any man and contemplate them as time would allow. Without a doubt, there are too many people in the world to give everyone an ear, but he and I were right there, right then, speaking with one another. Why close ears on such an occasion?

Even if a random homeless man approached me to speak, I would still listen and consider—especially since God could disguise his messengers however he wished. Such a person could be an incognito angel. It may have only taken ten seconds to consider what conspiratorial dribble would come from a random person’s mouth, but I would not deny the conversation in the first place and I may even try providing counter evidence to his beliefs until I deemed such a person unwilling or incapable of listening to reason. Pastor Lee should be no less capable to hear what I had to say about church and God’s desires. God could certainly speak through me as through any man or even a donkey. I could very well be a prophet appointed by God himself to instruct churches for all he knows. Yet still, why could I not have a fresh set of eyes, being new, to see things that perhaps others miss or do not realize affect new-comers? Certainly, I could have some valid input, but he did not care to hear anything I had to say.

             Lee continued to talk about my tone as being arrogant with no humility since I thought I knew God’s way. From my perspective, I stood strong in confidence since I truly believed what I thought God had revealed to me from the Bible. If he truly believed that God lived and remained active, it should be no surprise that someone could indeed be directed by God and thus truly know God’s desires. I believed God had shown me these things and nearly directly spoke them to me. He impressed them upon my heart as I read his word and prayed fervently day in and day out. I felt as if I had very clear knowledge from on high but everyone else saw it as merely my own interpretation which may or may not be correct. Seeing it that way, it would indeed appear arrogant to act like I know when I should be honest enough to say that I do not. Even still, arrogant or not, why not discuss the points anyway? I could not understand why he would shut me down before I could even explain myself.

             Lee also informed me that Willis reported my attempts at controlling the praise band practices and he used this as further evidence of my trying to take over things in the church much like I tried to take over our meeting. I sat bewildered and astonished. My face contorted in extreme confusion as I asked how this could possibly be that Willis would say such a thing. He explained that I had played from my own songbook during their practice when clearly I should be playing their songs instead.

I sat there at a loss for words as I tried to recall what had happened. I thought back to when I played my own songs and I tried to dissect my motivation for doing so. I had no desire to control the practice by any means. I simply shared songs that I had played and liked in the past and that I knew others liked as well. I thought maybe they would hear a song and conclude it was good and decide that they might try it. I certainly did not expect that I could control the meeting and demand that we play my songs or anything.

Could such sharing of my own interests and joys really be interpreted as having a control complex? Or even worse, could such a desire to share truly be bent on control without my conscious awareness? I, of course, did not believe that my attempts to share were attempts to take over; I merely wanted to share a part of myself. I wanted to belong, to be known, and to bring my unique experiences to the table. Is that not how one participates? It did not occur to me in the slightest that my contributions would not be welcome and that I would be expected to simply do as I was told and nothing more like some kind of militaristic establishment.

             I can see now, however, how a strong desire to contribute and improve an organization can be taken as attempts to overthrow it. And yet, I can still see that an organization bent on impacting the world should be open to ideas, opinions, and the inherent differences in the body of people that make it up. Alas, one cannot apparently jump in with excitement to participate and make oneself useful in any organization. Sadly, I think I only learned that just a year ago as I tried improving things at work too quickly. Perhaps overthrowing and participating can look the same depending on a person’s personal skills. Evidently, I lacked in that arena. I had always wanted to be more than a mere church mouse watching others do all the work. I had always wanted to be active and helpful and to serve my God and mankind with pride. These are supposed to be good qualities of a church member and yet they continually brought me trouble.

             It should not be so terrible to hear someone’s ideas and experiences. It should not be so terrible to share in the joy and excitement of someone who has different knowledge and points of view with a passion to express it. We are supposed to be equals at the table of God and yet clearly this is not the case. Even with an authoritative book to settle any dispute and to prove a person right or wrong, such conversations are just not in the cards. I can only perceive that this is because each Christian, deep down, knows the book is worthless for clear communication and direction.

Christians believe because they want to and they keep their cognitive dissonance hidden behind anger and hate. Logical conversations are unlikely because they bring to light every problem with the faith that might expose their weakest points. They could only possibly get to this point in their life by lying to themselves or by not asking enough questions. Friendly discourse using the Bible as a guide would be the quickest way to dispel those lies and to ask those damning questions. Thus, anyone claiming to know something that disagrees with another must obviously be arrogant and full of pride. We can know nothing despite the authoritative book.

             I had been called arrogant and proud many times before, but not so directly by a pastor. Such accusations came as soon as I first spoke out against what problems I saw in Christianity. I learned to expect it as an attack just as Jesus warned would occur, but I daily contemplated whether or not there exists any such arrogance and pride within me. I examined myself carefully and without scruple since I cared deeply to be a godly man. Since my statements were always refuted with insult rather than with sound argumentation, I could only assuage my fears by concluding that my arguments were valid. People simply did not like what I had to say for one reason or another.

If these insult-retorters were God’s people and believed God’s Word, then in theory they should be open to hearing what God’s Word says they should do. Oddly enough, during our discourse, Pastor Lee and Scott simultaneously shouted out, “whoa, whoa, whoa” in fear I would read from the Bible as I reached for it. I had intended only to grab some notes from within it, but the reaction so surprised me that I became almost certain that these men were of the devil. I wondered why else they would so fear the opening of the Bible.

             Due to such arrogance as I purportedly had, Lee asked me to conform to his church or leave without so much as hearing me out. He admonished me to strongly think about and decide if I really want to be a part of Threads. If I did, I would have to fix my vain behavior. If not, then farewell, good luck, and “don’t let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you.” I left the discussion entirely frustrated and shaken up. I felt as if I just spoke with Satan himself trying to shut me up. Having a low self-esteem to begin with from my many past experiences, I could hardly stand being slandered with no redemptive access to discussing the merits of my beliefs. They condemned me as arrogant and proud solely because others did not like what I had to say and thus they went and complained about it to the pastor. I got into my car unable to stop myself from shaking. If I spoke the truth, they must be aligned with the devil himself to accuse me so harshly. If I did not speak the truth, I had no ability to see it any other way since no one cared to discuss my ideas.

             Rain pounded on my windshield with heavy glops as I drove away. The windshield wipers furiously swished in vain perfectly juxtaposing my feelings of beating at the wind in futility. As the thunder rolled and dark clouds bellowed in, I cried out to God, “I cannot take this anymore! Judge me or judge him! Strike one of us dead with lightning and show once and for all who is in the right!” My mind raced in frustration and confusion as I struggled with my position and my feelings, having yet again been accused of being arrogant, proud, and ungodly for what I believed.

I had tried to reject my unpopular beliefs and I had even accused myself of foolishness many times, but studying always brought me right back to what I had learned. I could not disown what I deeply knew to be true. If my beliefs were wrong, then God himself would have to stop me. My beliefs remained steady as rock and I clearly had no capability of changing them.

Not wanting to defy God, I thought it best that he confirm me or else blot me from existence. My heart could no longer take the burden of questioning and fighting for my own relevance in the faith and I wished to do no harm for his kingdom. For too long I had fought against what had become of Christianity while wholly believing myself to serve the Christian God. For too long I had been accused of evil despite a whole-hearted desire for righteousness. I could bear no more and I wished either for death or confirmation in my efforts.

             Unbeknownst to pastor Lee, I had been recording the entire conversation on my phone so that I could share it with my wife when I got home. I expected ahead of time that it would be quite an unbelievable story so I made sure to have proof. Emily had always been quite slow to agree with my disposition and my intuition regarding the kindness of the pastor or much of any of my theological conclusions. I could not wait to bring it home for her to witness personally how severely the pastor shot me down without even trying to hear my point of view—and how scared they were when I grabbed my Bible!

             Being near my wife as I listened, I found myself hearing it from her point of view which, naturally, sided with the pastor rather than with me. I had long since determined she had lost faith in me as a spiritual leader given our history at this point. As I listened from both her and the pastor’s perspective with a bias against myself, I found myself understanding the pastor’s point of view more fully.

I suddenly understood how I could be deemed as a trouble-maker for busting in and trying to change everything. I saw how people did not like hearing me constantly complain that things were wrong. They saw me as divisive and critical, and Pastor Lee focused on this very point. He had little interest in what I had to say because he meant for the meeting to address these particular attitudes, not so much my point of view. Nobody wanted to listen to the ideas of a vain, egotistical monster such as myself. It had nothing to do with the content, but the content is all I wished to discuss. We were coming at the conversation from two different perspectives and we may have both been right in our own accord. That very moment, however, I understood how ugly I looked to everyone else. I could not feel any lower as a human being.

             With this revelation, my faced drooped in stupefied horror at my failings. I began to cry regretfully at the catastrophe of my life as I sat listening with Emily. She actually seemed rather pleased at this—presumably for the sake of my growth rather than my pain. I felt slightly better in that she respected my honesty in my revelation of my revoltingness, yet my stomach sank as I simultaneously felt disrespected that she believed I needed such remorse to begin with. I had never intended to be so terrible; I only ever focused on being the best I could be. I never did get a very good role model to explain to me how normal people conducted social business. While I personally knew I meant no malice, it still hurt deeply knowing that I could be viewed so harshly from so many people simply for trying to be the best I could be for God. What more could be asked of people than that they try their hardest?

             I wrote an apology email to Pastor Lee which so demonstrated my humility that perhaps the self-loathing within could have been mistaken for a joke or a farce. I meant every word at the time, but I am now quite embarrassed at my foolishness. I expressed my deepest sorrow for my disgusting behavior and I virtually groveled at his feet.

 

Words escape me right now as I am so extremely humbled. I simply cannot understand how I can be so in the wrong and yet have believed I was so right. If not for God, I'm not sure if there'd be any hope for me. My arrogance and pride know no bounds. I cannot apologize enough. I don't even know where to begin to mend this situation and I beg of you to forgive me and work with me and not cast me aside. I love God so much and I am so ashamed of how I misrepresent Him. I apologize to everyone I have hurt and displayed my arrogance to. Please forgive me. I wish only to serve the Lord and by letting no man stand in the way I found there was no man to serve but my own ignorant heart. Please work with me and correct this spirit within me. I've only ever known a critical heart as that is the culture we live in. Please take the time to teach me otherwise. Again I am so sorry and I know words can never be enough. Please forward my apologies to Scott and anyone else who has had a grievance against me.

 

I owe you both deeply and I fear every word I now write. I'm just so afraid to condemn myself. I am willing to make time wherever necessary to speak further with you. I so despise the very air around me right now and I just want to be free from the very curse I thought I was already freed from. Tell me when you are available and I will certainly make the time even if it's today, tomorrow, or even now. I just feel like Jacob wrestling with God for blessing with the fear of Esau to destroy me. Please have faith in my willingness to learn.

 

I expected Lee’s response to be a little more consoling, perhaps cheerful or uplifting, but as we know, expectation is often the mother of disappointment. I had envisioned a joyous celebration of sorts. I was arrogant and proud and yet I came to my senses and repented. Perhaps he could have said something to the effect of, “I am so glad to hear that you are repentant. That takes a great deal of courage to admit when you are wrong. I will certainly help you get past this. Try not to be so hard on yourself; we all make mistakes. You are forgiven and I look forward to seeing what you can become. I admire your passion so let us put it to good use.” It is short, simple, and makes me feel like a person. Instead, I received the following response:

 

You can put away the condemnation, because God already has.  That’s the good news we have, isn’t it?  I could meet with you next Wed.  You name the time because I am not sure when you have to leave for work.

 

It demonstrated such little desire to encourage me. He put forth the least amount of effort one could possible put towards helping someone who now loathes himself and who is quite obviously in need of some form of reassurance and support.

When we met again, Lee showed no more personal face to face than in the email. He blankly provided a participant’s vow for me to sign to indicate my submission and desire to support the church. He did say he would be willing to work with me to help improve upon my failed social skills, but despite the words of affirmation and the promise to work with me, he still pushed basic compliance and really seemed more interested in my leaving the church. He did not appear happy at all when I mentioned my desire to sign the vow or that I would even agree to be such a blind supporter. He still did not care to discuss anything I had to say even after clearing up the communication gap and demonstrating my willingness to learn and thus my lack of arrogance. He merely put on a false smile while coldly desiring me to be gone.

I decided to try sticking it out despite the awkward feelings. I thought that perhaps I had misread him and that this indicated yet another failing of mine in the social arena. I had begun writing a lot of poetry around this time and I wrote the following song as I wallowed in my failures and considered myself trash once more. I entitled it “Growing (Shutting Up)”. I asked Willis if he could add some actual music to it since that arena highlighted yet one more failure of mine to be good at anything, but he did not take me up on the offer.

 

Verse 1

For once in my life what I have to say

Is that I have nothing at all to say

I’ve said enough and I’ve said way too much

And now I would just like to pray

 

Chorus

Lord grant me the grace to enjoy my life

And to let others enjoy theirs too

I no longer wish to fight the race

But to run along home to You

A teacher I’m not and a preacher I’m not

Just a child devoted to You

Use me in ways that you see fit

And stop me from misusing You.

 

Verse 2

Balance is hard on this tight-rope of faith

I find black and white’s not the way

Since my balance is poor with no strength in my core

What is there more I can say except pray

 

The fear of being misunderstood and the anguish from being so terrible tore me up inside while I had only desired so strongly to serve God. I loved God so deeply but I feared that every step I made might indicated otherwise—that I was a mere fool. I studied even harder trying to rid myself of any false understanding and remaining folly. I froze as I read the passages in Matthew 19:21-26

 

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

 

I felt that uneasy twinge I often felt when something in the text did not seem right. “Who then can be saved?” What kind of question is that in response to Jesus saying it is hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of God? Why does the difficulty of the rich entering the Kingdom make it hard for all people to be saved? The logic of it made no sense. They certainly knew full well that not everyone was rich. Certainly there were plenty of poor people that could then enter the kingdom. The prosperity doctrine actually makes reference to this verse by indicating that all followers of God become rich and thus it would make it more difficult to enter and create a seeming paradox. Such logic fits, but I no longer believed in the prosperity doctrine. We were called to live humbly and nearly poor. We were called in the verses just prior to those to sell everything and give it to the poor in order to have treasures in heaven rather than on Earth. Something did not make any sense with the confusion of the disciples.

             I looked up the word “saved” as I felt this might hold the key missing ingredient. The website www.blueletterbible.org is great for such research. The word was σῴζω (sō'-zō). It mostly means to be saved from something. But as I looked at the usage of the word, I noticed that many times it had been translated as “healed” as opposed to “saved.” The woman with the issue of blood had been saved when she touched Jesus’ garment. Jesus told people as he healed them that it was their faith that had saved them. The Bible utilized the word sō'-zō in many ways which did not indicate being saved from eternal torment, but to mean saved as in the literal sense of current danger or affliction. If the word meant saved in this way, then perhaps it made more sense that the disciples expected a need for money. If no rich people enter the kingdom, then they would not have the necessary funds to help the poor and so save them in their times of need. This might also make a great argument to presume that Jesus did not truly perform miracles since they were so bent on money to help people, but that line of reasoning came at a later date.

             It astonished me to think that money might actually be necessary, but I remembered that they indeed must have collected money from people since Judas Iscariot acted as their treasurer. He even stole from it regularly. But why did they need money? When Mary Magdalene poured out perfume on Jesus’ feet, the disciples were concerned with the money that could have been earned and given to the poor by selling it. Jesus often encouraged everyone to sell everything and give to the poor. It seemed much like Jesus ran a legitimate non-profit operation through the means of the worldly currency. Even though Jesus supposedly healed people miraculously left and right and fed thousands with a few fish and loaves of bread, the disciples were quite fixed on money and worldly methods of doing things. Perhaps Jesus taught them to work in this manner as the common means to help, but even if they lacked money, with God they could still accomplish much.

             Saved, perhaps, did not so much mean entering heaven when one died as much as it meant freedom from pain and suffering here on Earth—and it took money, for the most part, to do it. This got me considering more about the Kingdom of God. Perhaps this, too, had significance beyond a far-off notion of something we would enter into after we died. It sounded as if Jesus’ disciples expected a need for the rich to “enter the kingdom” in order to use their money to help people. But that would indicate that the Kingdom existed here and now on Earth. And if the rich did not enter the kingdom, then the money would not be around and they could do very little to save people. The kingdom must apparently be something we could enter into here and now rather than after death.

Of course, Jesus did say just that, but it is hard to understand sometimes when our minds are so focused on what we think we already know. He said the kingdom is near and that no one can observe it by saying “here it is” or “it is over there.” He indicated that it could not be seen with careful observation and that we should never believe anyone saying anything regarding its coming. Thus, it is not a physical thing or even a spiritual thing that exists to be seen after death. It is a spiritual concept. Jesus said it is among us. It is us. The kingdom is the very people on Earth dying to self and living out love toward one another—a humanist message by all standards.

             I did a search for every reference of the kingdom of heaven as well as the kingdom of God and the results aligned with my thinking. Jesus said that his casting out of demons indicated that the Kingdom was already here and now upon us. Prostitutes and tax collectors were said to be entering the kingdom already and this, before the Pharisees. Jesus said that God sent him to preach this very kingdom and that it is near in proximity and even among us. He followed with an admonition to believe this good news of the kingdom’s coming. He did not preach that the kingdom would be some far-off afterlife. He preached the kingdom as being now and this was indeed good news. This is certainly what the people understood as the good news as well since they had already hoped for an afterlife—all but the Sadducees, anyway—so it would not have been anything new if he came only to preach the way to eternity. They already had eternal hope through sacrifice and ritual.

             Jesus’ death, then, did not prove very good news. The prophecy of the good news indicated the coming of a leader and the establishment of a kingdom—not a promise of eternal bliss in heaven after death. When Jesus sent out the disciples, he told them to preach “the kingdom is at hand,” not salvation from hell and eternity in heaven through the blood sacrifice of Jesus. In fact, despite the three years of teaching, they still had no clue that Jesus would even die. They did not understand this until the last supper on the night Judas betrayed Jesus and handed him over to the Pharisees. Evidently, Jesus did not speak about his death, but rather he taught about life in the kingdom being established here and now that one could only see by the reshaping of his or her mind with a dedication toward love and peace.

             Many verses also explained what the kingdom is, or would be, like. Jesus specifically said that the kingdom does not come with careful observation since it is already among us. As Jesus also put it, the kingdom is not about eating and drinking (i.e. rituals and beliefs or even communion specifically), but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. And if someone was not born again, they would not be able to see this kingdom. I began to understand and see this kingdom all the more. I had died to sin and became alive to righteousness and peace. I had been born again into doing good things for people and loving others. Indeed, I already belonged to God’s kingdom which is why I could see and understand so much that seemed hidden to others.

God reigned as King and he guided and directed me as his loyal and living subject. Mankind did not rule me in the world and neither did any pastors. The gospel had been entirely messed up as Jesus and Paul both predicted but I could personally see through it now. The good news had everything to do with the kingdom being at hand and ushering in peace and a way of life where people wished to treat others with respect and dignity and give up their lives of selfishness. This is the kingdom that Jesus preached—and what a magnificent kingdom it would be for those who partook of it!

             After recognizing all of this, I simply could no longer stay within the church. Every time I studied and learned, I became more and more convinced that my ideas were right. Perhaps no one would give me the time of day, but I could not in good conscious support a church any longer. I would have to find my own way and God-willing I would.

             This time, I had permanently sworn off churches. I knew there could be no benefit within their walls except perhaps to speak with people to call them out of it. I would not be persuaded to re-enter the harlot’s gates and be swayed by her tempting of community, belonging, and her satisfying moans of “God loves you just the way you are.” Perhaps the statement is true that God loves us how we are, but loving someone thusly does not mean you do not wish for them to improve and to live a better life. In fact, loving someone deeply means that you want what is best for him or her. We love our children just the way they are but certainly we also wish for them to grow, to learn, and to behave. I so loved the true church that I absolutely could not submit to the false one. I was back on my own to study the Word and to follow God as I saw fit.

             It made sense to me that the church would be so pleasant and good and yet harbor so much evil. After all, if Satan wants to win, he cannot be so obviously evil or else people would reject it outright. He would have to somehow disguise his evil such that it could be rationalized as good even though the deep truth behind it supported evil. In fact, evil people often claim that they provide a service and do well by people. They justify their evil in some way rather than truly recognizing it as bad and they convince others of it as well. Nazis, for example, thought they were liberating the Germans and ridding the world of a pestilence. Most did not truly see their acts as evil or they at least blinded themselves to it. The church operated the same way in my eyes: evil yet presumed benevolent.

             I read through Proverbs hoping to seek out more wisdom, and I came across the warning against the adulterous woman in Proverbs 7. As if revelation from God himself, I immediately understood these verses to be about the church. The church is often called the bride of Christ in the Bible and this woman in Proverbs was indeed the bride of a man. The woman claims that her husband has gone on a long journey and that he took his money with him. In other words, Jesus left and took his power with him. She then offers other men to come and have adulterous relationships with her and she entices them into adulterous ways of ignoring the commands of God to live out radical love and peace. While her husband is gone, she teaches freedom from condemnation whilst doing all manner of evil. And many have died at her hands.

             In both Luke 12 and Matthew 24 it talks about servants recognizing their master as having been gone a long time so they start to beat the other servants. The servants who wish to serve God the way he originally intended would be beaten by the servants who twisted and corrupted his message. It is the same story and one that I personally experienced. The husband and the master alike had gone away for a long time and the wayward wife or servant took notice and misbehaved. The servants mistreated other servants and the adulterous woman convinced others into her way of life to commit evil acts with no fear of punishment. It matched perfectly with church today. The message mimicked it exactly: “Jesus is gone, we can do as we please, and there will be no condemnation.” The final verses of Proverbs 7 held a strong warning about this adulterous church, “Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.”

             The church calls out with sweet words and promises of love and happiness and yet guides everyone completely astray from the truth of God’s Kingdom which then leads them to their demise. She corrupts souls and leads people down a path to hell. Merely entering her doors invited danger because it feels so good to be misled into believing we are right with God and heading toward heaven while walking the path toward hell. The labels on the churches claim heaven and they proclaim my path as hell, but truly the labels were reversed.

I warned Emily about all of this but she still wished to attend Threads for the sake of developing friendships. I made it quite clear that I very much did not approve if she continued to attend and that I believe such actions would be disobedient to God on two accounts: entering the church of the harlot being one and going against the wishes of her husband the second. I assured her, however, that I would not try to stop her apart from expressing my extreme disapproval at her obvious rejection of God’s commands.

             She went to Threads a couple more times, but she eventually stopped. Each time she went, my heart broke into pieces the way a father’s heart would break knowing his 15-year-old daughter is sneaking out to commit crimes, have sex, and do drugs. Emily never really quit going as a personal choice, but because she felt compelled to comply so as not to cause strife with me. After a few months of studying on her own and reading with me early in the morning, however, she expressed her gratitude that I helped her escape the clutches of the church. Despite having proven myself in this way, she still held reservations in regard to my other revelations. I kept hopeful that one day she would understand.