An Infidel’s Progress

 

ain pounded on my windshield in heavy glops as I drove away. The windshield wipers furiously swished in vain perfectly juxtaposing my feelings of beating at the wind in futility. As the thunder rolled and dark clouds bellowed in, I cried out to God, “I cannot take this anymore! Judge me or judge him! Strike one of us dead with lightning and show once and for all who is in the right!” My mind raced in frustration and confusion as I struggled with my position and my feelings, having yet again been accused of being arrogant, proud, and ungodly for what I believed.

I had tried to reject my unpopular beliefs and I had even accused myself of foolishness many times before, but studying always brought me right back to what I had learned. I could not disown what I deeply knew to be true. If my beliefs were wrong, then God himself would have to stop me. My beliefs remained steadfast and I clearly had no capability of changing them.

Not wanting to defy God, I thought it best that he confirm me or else blot me from existence. My heart could no longer take the burden of questioning and fighting given my own understanding of the faith, and I certainly did not wish to war against God’s kingdom. For too long had I fought against what had become of Christianity while wholly believing myself to serve the Christian God. For too long had I been accused of evil despite a whole-hearted desire for righteousness. I could bear no more and I wished for either death or confirmation in my efforts.

I had been so accused of arrogance and pride many times before and, quite unfortunately, I still had many more coming. My understanding that the kingdom of God had lost its way and now served many idols did not garner much support from other Christians. I came to understand that Jesus’ followers had fled from his teaching and had corrupted his faith after his death just as Jesus foretold.

I believed it then and I believe it now that Christianity has lost what made it most beautiful and has traded it in for a disunified mess of opinions and the blind followings of Molech, Baal, and Mammon. Lacking a desire to follow humans or demons rather than God himself, I became quite the scholar of Christian beliefs trying to decipher who was right and who was wrong. No one enjoyed the conclusions I came to and I was readily labeled a heretic.

As I look around today, I realize that I did not carry my burden alone despite the appearance of solitude and the constant vitriol within my journey. There is a trend. More and more, especially with the unintended help of Donald Trump, Christians are beginning to realize that their faith is broken. So many Christians are filled with hate, malice, bloodlust, lies, deceit, racism, sexism, and a plethora of other nasty words that leave other Christians scratching their heads. They remember Jesus preaching a message of love, peace, and support for the down-trodden yet most Christians, who primarily support Trump for president, are focused on just the opposite.

A glorious force awakens as these thinking Christians begin to recognize the error while wondering what went wrong. The foretold apostasy came and went with hardly anyone noticing. My story will shed some light on this divergence from Jesus as I walk through my own radically painful journey through Christendom. It can be difficult and challenging to explain things with such a touchy topic, so please bear with me as I try to tie all the pieces together throughout the events in my life—no doubt there will be disagreement right off, but there is indeed logic to all my madness.

If you want the quick and dirty rendition of my learnings without the fluff and backstory, you can skip straight to the Scripture section of this book which lays down a decent foundation for the heresy which made me such an outcast. I feel this would be extremely less useful for full comprehension, but it might at the very least provide some food for thought. My complete story is far more comprehensive, delivers my position more poignantly, shows the path by which I came to my conclusions, and demonstrates the full cost I paid to obtain them. I did not magically pull any beliefs out of a hat and they often did far worse than tickle my fancy or soothe my itching ears. Quite the contrary, I found myself continually ostracized, accused, and alone—much like Jesus proclaimed would occur to his followers. The story is not all terrible, however, as it is quite adventurous and filled with supernatural phenomena and even demons—or so I thought at the time.

Whether agreeing with my heresy or not, there is still great value in understanding the mind of a radical semi-fundamentalist Christian such as I was. It is also good to be aware of the new theories and ideas Christians are turning to and recognizing the fallacies one can be trapped in even when trying wholeheartedly to be logical and pure in heart.

With such a story, I also hope to serve as a mediator for atheists to understand crazy Christian behavior as mine, and for Christians to have a much kinder disposition toward atheists as would please the very Jesus they love. I also wish to provide what I believe to be the original message that Jesus preached which can be cherished by all lovers of peace and not simply by Christians alone.

At the risk of reducing my credibility to Christians and sounding even more like a heretic, I must reveal that I became an atheist before I could finish this book. I do not eat babies and I do not hate Christians, but I do still hate what has become of Jesus’ teachings and the suffering his proclaimed followers often cause. I simply wish for the hate to end. For what it is worth, I learned all my unconventional thoughts as a Christian entirely devoted to God with a supposed spirit of God to guide me rather than as a non-believer. Even as an atheist, however, I am much closer to Christianity than even most Christians I see today.

I no longer believe in a personified deity, but I still serve love as my God whom the Christians claim to be their own God. If God is indeed love, then we should indeed be serving the same God whether truly personified or not. I even genuinely love the kingdom of which Jesus originally spoke despite my denying a deity behind it. His message uplifted humanitarian and altruistic ways which are perfectly honorable things to an atheist. The self-sacrifice to live for others without thought or concern for personal gain is amazing and yet far too radical even for Jesus’ own followers to acknowledge let alone uphold. If Christians whole-heartedly began to actually follow Jesus and if it appeared to work out half as well as Jesus promised, I just might be intrigued enough to give it another try. As it stands, I know far too well the kind of harm religion can cause and this certainly includes myself as a culprit and victim alike. My faith harmed not only myself but those around who likewise harmed me with their faith. Christianity, as my story will show, can be extremely harmful when straying from the path Jesus truly set forth.

Since assumptions inundate this topic and because people have a proclivity to use their own understanding in comprehending another person’s words, I will walk you through my own life, how I came to my conclusions, and I will show myself to have been seeking God truly and with all my strength. The most common thing I hear from Christians to atheists is to give God a chance, and I would like it to be clear beyond any doubt that I did—and this is where it led me. I made this pursuit of God my very life above all else that this world had to offer, and nearly every step of the way my faith led me to believe that God supported me in my endeavors. Perhaps he did, but I concede that it is far more likely that I fell into some common traps of confirmation bias and poor understanding of statistics.

Within my story, I include seemingly supernatural accounts as well as a few mundane events illustrating my involvement with the faith. If you find yourself getting bored with the generic Christian life early on, or if you are short on time, feel free to skip ahead to Chapter 8 where I experience my first “miracle” and become more radical in my faith. You could also skip to Chapter 13 where I become radical a second time and begin an even crazier journey than my previous episode. The main purpose of the early chapters is to show my heart-felt investment, my collaboration with Christian groups, my seeking God throughout, and to provide a background of where I have been.

I did not seek my own way and I did not desire to be different—it just so happened that I became an outcast via the pure intention of being a devoted follower of Christ. If indeed such a pursuit of God is as powerful and useful as is often professed, then surely my conclusions must count for something. If a similar striving leads others to different conclusions, then what good is seeking? It would then seem more likely that our conclusions are derived from our own imaginings guiding our biases. I gave it my all as this book will demonstrate and I do believe my efforts provided some great revelation worthy of consideration.

I write this mostly for Christians since it is their faith which has been corrupted and which I wish to see restored. I thus refer to many common Christian phrases, concepts, and teachings, but be it far from incomprehensible for others. It still holds value for everyone, religious or not. I hope atheists will also enjoy this new perspective on Christianity and encourage the thinking Christians who are seeking real answers to give this book a read. Perhaps they will resonate with my story as I systematically go through my experiences, my thought processes, and the frame of mind I was in as I made my progress from Christian to infidel.

In the end, I hope for my life to have had meaning. I do not wish to merely live and die proving to be as useless and unremarkable as an ant or as lazy and boring as a couch potato. I do not hold to Paul’s belief as he quoted that we ought to “eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die” solely because there is no afterlife. I would genuinely like to do some good. I want to give back to the world in some way. I may believe that my person ends when my life is over, but that in no way sparks a desire to leave a legacy of pain in my selfish wake. It would be nice to be known for doing good and to be looked favorably upon by my children, friends, and those who come after me.

So this is my story—the story of a once-radical Jesus Freak who went forth like a fiery supernova and remitted to a pile of steaming ashes which now churns in a suppressed, smoldering passion awaiting a broader fire to spring forth. I can only hope that one day people will grow to care more for one another and truly follow the wisdom that is in love and peace as Jesus preached. This is the fire I wish to spread and I hope that sharing my experiences can help influence that fire to blaze ever hotter.