The Middle

The Middle

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
— Bertrand Russell

The Middle

Seeing what needs to be done is only the beginning. What to do and being skilled at it are two very different things. The more we read Part 1, the more we recognize the importance of our mindset and digging into ourselves to cultivate our mood. As we attempt to do these things, however, we may find confusion. This confusion is due to a very good reason: we don’t have a clue what’s going on so our framework is completely misaligned with our goals.

Our framework for life is typically whatever has been handed down to us by our respective cultures and environments. In the United States, our goal is quite often the good paying job, the spouse, children, and white picket fence, but everyone has some version of goal for their lives. We often believe strongly that happiness is dependent upon achieving that goal.

Let us stop for a second and realize what that would mean. If happiness were dependent upon the goal, then we are putting happiness into the future rather than into the present. By what means can we be happy now if happiness is dependent upon our future goal? This framework does not work.

A more useful framework might then be to consider happiness within the pursuit of our goal rather than the achievement of it. But what happens when we achieve our goal? And what happens if something stops us from achieving it? Happiness cannot come from pursuing our goals lest we put our joy into the hands of external forces. Of course, that is exactly what many of us do.

For most of us, our framework relies heavily on our external situation. If my spouse is being rude, then this takes from my happiness. But why? What rule says our happiness is dependent on another person’s actions? It’s one thing if we’re locked up in a dungeon being starved or tortured, but for most of us reading this book that is not our situation.

What stories are we telling ourselves that makes the actions of others our main input toward happiness? What are we truly valuing? If our happiness is tied to physical objects, then people can simply take or destroy our happiness at their leisure. If our happiness is in our status, then we willingly give every stranger the key to our heart. Imagine walking up to every stranger and saying, “My fellow man, please call me ‘sir moneybags’ that I might feel fulfilled.” Each stranger will look at us oddly and decline. And for that we should lose our happiness?

Sure, it’s different for our boss or spouse, but how different is it really? I was not born with the job I possess now, so why must I be unhappy to lose it? Was I not happy until I received it? It is instead the stories we tell ourselves that make us unhappy. It’s the voices. When we lose our job, our voices often tell us a story of despair, woe, and fear. What ever shall we do? We may lose our house, we might die of starvation, and so on. The story is our mood setter.

So, what is the answer to remaining emotionally unperturbed during a job loss? The answer is most certainly to provide a better story than the default. This is why the failed adage is so prevalent to look on the bright side. “At least now we have more free time.” We intuitively recognize this about stories, but this often doesn’t override the lasting fear and deeper stories we tell ourselves. Unless we’re as short-sighted as a child, a job loss is seen as a significant setback. The risks are real. This does not mean, however, that our story must be so gloom and doom.

Many people find solace in stories of grand importance: God has something better for me. Some might simply relish in the freedom despite not knowing what is next. But for most of us, with or without a faith, we often revert to the easiest story of fear. As we know, this is not the desired path. But what else is there? Especially for a scientific skeptic, there does not appear to be a great story to believe. For the intellectual, we will often find myriad failure points for what comes next and get stuck in a spiral of fear.

As we know, this is not ideal. Being stuck in fear will drive fearful actions and emotions and drive our reality to work against us. A great actor can push the fear aside and act brave or confident which helps to a degree, but actual belief in safety would go much further. Besides, not everyone is a great actor. If our voices are currently extra pesky, our ability to perform an act diminishes. The best option is, you guessed it: confusion.

Sorry, was that not your guess? When we are stuck in a spiral, the biggest problem is that we are so damn sure of ourselves. We know something bad is true. We lock into the negative voices and hold them tightly as dear loved ones. Dispelling our assurance is a big step to avoiding that pitfall. Adding a little mystery and wonder into life is a great way to do that. The fear story doesn’t deserve the amount of authority we give to it. The story could still be likely, but it only benefits us to focus on hope. Instead of being sure of our demise, we must find any ounce of hope and cling instead to that—this ensures the best chance that it will come to pass.

To aid in providing as much hope as possible for as many situations as possible, I’d like to get a lot more philosophical. We often think we know a lot more than we do. There is still so much mystery and wonder in just what this world is and where it came from, that a lot of options are still on the table. Let’s take a look at some of the various options. I’m not buying or selling, but any one of them can add just enough confusion to make us less sure of our negative beliefs and perhaps provide an ounce of hope to permit a better story.

Let us also keep in mind that reality has no obligation to be testable. Just because we can’t test something does not mean it is not true. The necessary controls and test conditions for some things are simply not possible and the best we can do is extrapolate from data and the reports of those who have experienced something profound. Remember, the goal is simply to remove our assurance that our negative stories are accurate. If any of these frameworks resonate to provide that demotion, grab hold of it.