Entering the Mindfield

Entering the Mindfield

“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.”
—Søren Kierkegaard

Entering the Mindfield

As we dive deep into the recesses of our minds, it is important to remember that altering our currents is a hard-won skill. It’s like engaging a muscle that requires training. We can know how to walk a tight rope, but it’s going to take much longer to actually accomplish it. If we think of it like reversing the current of a river, it should be clear that we cannot simply will it to change or build a dam and expect it to flow in reverse. The only true way to change the direction of a river is to carefully divert it with trenching and enough small changes in distance over time. It is quite similar for our minds.

Self-help books often focus on our internal monologue: squash the ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and speak positive affirmations to ourselves. As discussed previously, these do touch on a core mechanic, but they often feel silly or impossible without understanding why they work—or in some cases, why they don’t. My own voices were often particularly harsh. If I were to wake up and look myself in a mirror saying, “This is going to be a great day! You’ve got this! You are a master genius!” my internal voices would quickly chime in: You look dumb. You’re lying to yourself. Saying it doesn’t make it true.

In those cases, it’s tempting to accept “the truth” or to even argue with the voices. But arguing doesn’t help. The voices themselves won’t be convinced. Arguing wastes energy, is itself an exercise of focused negativity, and it takes our attention away from what actually matters: the positive current we wish to remain in to influence our reality. That positive current is hard enough to generate without staring down negative voices and arguing with them. It’s simply best not to engage as each back and forth is another emotional splash to the face. We do not negotiate with terrorist voices. But when we are ready and in a good frame with deliberate intention, we can compassionately ask why the voices are behaving that way rather than simply arguing with the statements.

Now, some might be tempted to consider that ignoring the negativity means we’re ignoring reality and fooling ourselves. And there is indeed a fine line to be drawn here. There is a big difference between ignoring a voice that is putting us down versus one providing constructive feedback. A voice calling us a failure is not the same as one recognizing room for improvement. We can ignore the insults while utilizing the feedback without judging ourselves harshly over it.

I am also not referring specifically to outcome-oriented beliefs. Consider the difference between “I will get this job” and I am capable of performing this job. The first is a prediction of the future and the second is an emotional mindset. Emotion is where the power is—not in predicting future outcomes.

The careful listener of voices will find the influential ones always come attached to some form of emotion—usually fear, pride, jealousy, indignation, etc.—the negative ones. But there is also power to be had in hope, love, joy, patience and other such emotions. They are just harder to cultivate if we are not currently swimming in currents of peace. Whichever emotions fill our currents are the voices we’ll hear the loudest. They reflect our moods and our moods determine our thoughts. Each thought, however, can also affect our mood and pile on additional opposing currents or redirect existing currents.

Unfortunately, as a default, it appears as if humans are far more attuned to negative voices. Summing up multiple studies, a report in the Review of General Psychology¹ makes a rather conclusive argument: negativity is stronger than positivity. And if you think you can simply harness the power of evil for good, I know a hobbit who would like to speak with you. Though negativity appears to be more powerful, it will not be your ally and you will be its next breakfast. I will also caveat that the average human is not yet flowing in currents of peace. The average human is our starting point, but not our destination. Negativity impacts us more now, but that power diminishes as we redirect our currents.

In our default human state, Kahneman and Tversky² found that we feel the effects of loss roughly 2 to 2.5 times more intensely than we feel positively about equivalent gains. Rozin and Toyzman³ found that bad information will spread faster and stick longer. Even within the neural circuits of our brains, we can register negative stimuli as being faster and stronger⁴. And with as quick and hard-hitting as negativity is, it is another unfortunate fact that we remember it far more than positive events⁵. None of this bodes well for cultivating our positive emotional currents, but that means if we find ourselves struggling with it, we can give ourselves a break. It’s no wonder it’s so hard—the odds are stacked against us.

Negativity hits harder, we fear it, and it’s a negative cycle that perpetuates itself. We are loss-averse and therefore fear-driven. And fear is perhaps the nastiest of voices to listen to. It’s not that we should simply ignore all concerns and trust all things at all times, but fear is not the same as consideration and it has no place in our driver seat.

There is a significant difference between recognizing risks in order to make wise choices and riding the emotional wave of fear. Fear is the greatest destroyer—the root of nearly all negative emotion. Hatred is just clothing on the fear of other people. Rage is simply fear of losing control and attempting to regain it. Fear is a response to feeling in danger of something—loss, pain, stress.

The opposite of fear is then a feeling of security. We feel safe to share, safe to speak, safe enough to remain calm, gentle, and giving. Love occurs when we feel safe to give it. Joy only comes when we’re safe enough to feel it. Safety is the root of nearly all positive emotions. We don’t fear when we feel safe. They are 100% diametrically opposed. You can’t feel one while experiencing the other. You can be in danger while feeling safe or be safe while feeling in danger, but you cannot feel both simultaneously.

Take a second and try to consider how you feel with each of these emotions. What does it feel like to experience fear? The dread, the closing in of focus, the sinking feeling. Now feel rage, the upward feeling, the rise in volume, the facial contortions and forward momentum. How about jealousy? Mistrust? Notice the quality of them: they are sharp, dark, urgent, tightening, closing in. Then feel safety. Warm. Soft. Open. Light. You relax, you open up, you float. These feelings are the compass to finding our streams and knowing what voices we’re listening to. The feelings themselves are the streams we can reside in. They are the currents and the moods. Knowing how they feel is how we learn to recognize where we are and what is influencing us.

Emotion is itself the first voice to comprehend. It tells us something. It communicates comfort, unease, fear, or happiness. Another voice follows right after with the interpretation. Emotion is itself non-verbal, but the interpretation can take either form. Emotions of sadness, grief, pain, and loss all seem like negative emotions, but they can all exist in a current of safety. They ask to be felt, understood, and integrated. But, they can also exist in a current of fear, despair, and hopelessness.

Our mood may select how the emotions are interpreted, but the interpretation could also move us into other moods. Our internal voice might tell us the pain and sadness will last forever. We’ll never be the same. We can never be happy again. Notice that these are stories of fear. Such voices will push us into despair as they guide us through a misaligned sadness. Such interpretations are an internal wave that pushes us toward other negative currents.

But sadness and loss can be held with a voice of comfort as well. The voices can say it’s okay to feel the loss. The sadness is a direct link to the love you felt for that person. Feel the love embedded in your sadness. The sadder it is, the more love you can feel. How amazing that you got to experience a love like that. Rest in that love while feeling the sadness. This voice can be an intentionally selected monologue voice, but it can also be a default interpretive voice if we’re used to the current.

But let’s consider for a moment what enables us to choose those narratives? If we are simultaneously flowing in a current of indignation, rage, fear, jealousy, or other negative emotions, how easily can we hear the voice of comfort? Those currents will force us into the first interpretation rather than the latter. While sadness can be interpreted into despair or comfort, our currents will dictate which one will dominate—whether of fear and danger or of peace and safety.

Some emotions, unlike sadness, cannot be held in light of safety. Anger and hate, for example, are the complete opposite of safety and love. If we are feeling angry or hateful, we have already left the comfort of safety. Such feelings can be recognized, understood, and analyzed for why they arrive, but they should not be given a voice for advice if we wish to maintain our current. Recognizing such voices is imperative, and giving them the nope card is the best response I have found. They don’t get to advertise their opinions as they only have hurtful things to say. Instead, determine where they come from and why they are there. You can even ask them. If it’s because of injustice, then switch immediately to compassion for the afflicted rather than anger or hate for the perpetrator.

I understand this is uncommon advice. People tend to think that anger has its place and the default assumption is that if we don’t experience anger then we don’t stand up for ourselves or we’re simply passive—but this is not at all true. Imagine a stoic monk. He’s not screaming, and he’s not red-faced angry. But if you put his family in jeopardy, you’re getting a well-placed foot to the face while he remains fully under control. He doesn’t need to be angry to recognize that your action is a danger to him and those around him. Protection is, in fact, a loving action. Anger and hate, not so much.

To clearly restate, I am never suggesting we ignore emotions and especially not suppress them—quite the opposite. We feel them and we recognize them, but we do not automatically believe the voices they may spawn. This is how we curate our currents. Find the voices of reason, wisdom, and compassion instead. These voices are the ones that will compound our expectancy effects and Pygmalion effects to our benefit.

Unfortunately, the voices of fear and negativity are much easier to hear to start with, but we can use that to our advantage. Hearing them and identifying them is the first step to recognizing how to be actors instead of reactors. The more we hear and recognize voices—even negative ones—the more aware we can be of their influence and choose a different path. We will begin to realize that they seem to speak apart from us as CEO rather than being in alignment with us. It is a fascinating discovery to realize we are not beholden to voices we once thought were our own conclusions. They are merely inputs and suggestions that we can choose from.

Recognizing, noping, and selecting our emotions and voices can be learned and honed without a teacher or a guru. It is in fact the only way. While advice and skills can be given to support, it is an incredibly personalized endeavor and one size does not fit all. It is a slower process than simply adhering to someone’s teaching, and it goes much deeper than following rules of action. Like cooking something low and slow, the doneness reaches the center. Others may heat things quickly with all the right phrases and beliefs, and they may appear finished on the outside, but might very well remain raw within.

None of this is easy at the beginning, and none of it will be mastered by reading it once in a book. Knowing how to lift weights does not let anyone walk into a gym and deadlift 500 pounds. Understanding these ideas does not mean you will remember them under pressure, apply them consistently, or act wisely every time.

Learning regulation takes effort and consistency in practice. If that realization brings up despair, dread, or defeat, then congratulations—you’ve just noticed a voice of fear. It’s okay to feel it briefly. You’ve been through a lot. But listen instead to patience. You will get there and it will be worth it. Each step carries its own reward, so don’t fixate on the challenges. Stay with the progress and celebrate each step with hope for the next. You’ve got this.

Recap